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GHOST FLU THREATENS PENNSYLVANIA VILLAGE


by Jacob Worthington, staff reporter

WILKES-BARRE, PENNSYLVANIA – Residents of Northeastern Pennsylvania should make preparations for the worst disease outbreak in decades this summer. The Weekly Truth has learned on an exclusive basis that the sleepy town of Old Milford is host to an incubating colony of ectoplasmica influenza - the Ghost Flu.

We traveled to the Mason house at 13 Treeline Road in Old Milford, ground zero of the impending outbreak. The home, abandoned since the turn of the century, has long been considered haunted by locals, but thought to be harmless to those who keep their distance. However, this strain of influenza is airborne, and can travel for miles in search of new victims.

Rookie real estate agent Mary Eggman told The Weekly Truth in an exclusive interview the local theories about the home.

"Usually, some weirdo will at least put an offer on a haunted house," she said from her canary yellow SUV in front of the home. "But even they can tell something's wrong in here. We've tried pricing it at $40, $30, even $20 thousand, but there's just no bites. They're worried that they'll be infected.

"And I can hardly blame them."

Taking special precautions, The Weekly Truth's crew entered the Mason home to investigate, and what we found was shocking. Our very own Angelina Markland came face to face with patient zero, the restless spirit of the Mason's only daughter, who was suffering from the ghost flu herself. The apparition, an otherwise comely young woman whose face was marred by symptoms of the disease, spoke of her tragedy in broken sentences while standing mere steps from the shallow grave where her body was buried.

"My father and I... sick. Mother went out... for medicine. Still... waiting..."

The Ghost Flu masquerades as the common cold at first, making the infection all the more insidious. When the mucous begins to change, it is usually too late for the victim. The highly contagious disease, which can be spread through contact with the slime of or proximity with another carrier, is almost certain to be fatal by the time an individual not trained in spotting the disease realizes that their malady has a supernatural origin.

The CDC has not announced a cure for the disease, making quarantine the only known effective means of preventing the spread of the Ghost Flu.

Rumors that the government is investigating the potential use of Ghost Flu in biological weapons are unconfirmed as of this time.

Area residents are encouraged to stockpile food and water and contact their nearest hospital and Catholic church for instructions should they suspect they have contracted the Ghost Fly. Residents of Eastern Pennsylvania, New York and New Jersey should be prepared to evacuate to prevent the spread of the Ghost Flu, should it become epidemic, and travelers are encouraged to cancel any plans that would take them near the breeding ground of this pernicious disease.